hate you
by supportingcharacters
Summary: Jean and Eren have always hated each other. However, it's not until the capture of the Female Titan that Eren realizes that Jean hates himself even more.


"Marco's dead."

Eren looks at Jean, green eyes wide. This is some sort of sick joke, right? It has to be. There's no way Marco Bodt could be dead. No way. He had ranked seventh, right? Seventh out of _hundreds_. He and Jean were going to the Military Police.

But if they were going to the Military Police, why is Jean here with the Scouting Legion?

"We don't even know how he went down," Jean says, his voice tight. He looks tense, Eren notices, his fists clenched and his shoulders stiff. Jean's eyes seem almost emotionless, void of any feeling. "He died alone, without anyone seeing or knowing."

Eren wants to heave. He ca feel his knees trembling slightly. There's no way that this is happening. Marco had very much been the glue that held the 104th Squad together. He was the sweetest person in the Trainee Corps, he was liked by everyone and befriended everyone – even Jean. No matter how angry Jean had been, even if he was right before throwing a punch at Eren, a few words from the older boy would be able to calm him down. Jean's smiles around Eren and the others were cocky, arrogant smirks. His smiles around Marco were soft and genuine. How Marco had managed to bring out something good in Jean Kirschtein, Eren didn't know.

He was a natural leader and everyone trusted him. No matter how difficult the training was, Eren could always hear Marco's bright voice shouting encouragement. Eren was never one for following orders – he had always been more of a "do" person than a "stop, think and plan," person – but he would have followed any order Marco would have given him.

How could somebody like that, somebody loved by everyone, have died alone? Eren imagines it – being helpless before a titan with nobody to help you, your last moments filled with terror as the titan comes closer and-

Eren feels his hands begin to shake.

He watches silently as his friends all donned their new Scouting Legion uniforms. A part of him still feels sick – how many more of them would die like Marco in the Scouting Legion? He blinks and can't help but see him, see his friend, his leader, in the same uniform. Eren clenches his fists tightly.

Later on, Jean confronts him. He had been expecting it. He lets Jean complain, waiting for the first punch to be thrown. He knows though, that soon enough Mikasa or Reiner would intervene. They don't need injuries before the expedition. Eren's annoyance grows as Jean keeps talking. Of course he can't control his titan power – he's still somewhat in shock over the fact he _has_ it. What was Jean trying to do here, turn his friends against him? Prove a point?

His stomach twists in anger as Jean brings up Marco. Eren is still devastated by his death, but Jean has no right to use it against him. It wasn't _Eren's_ fault. Eren is already feeling guilty enough about trying to kill Mikasa. But as he listens, he began to realize. Jean's shoulders were still just as stiff as they were before, but when he turns around Eren can see it in his eyes.

Fear.

Jean usually is an open book. He always was a blunt person, speaking the first thing that ever popped into his head. His face usually clearly displayed his emotions too. Like now, Eren can see the unmasked fear in hazel eyes. He doesn't want to die like Marco. Eren had been talking to Reiner and Bertholdt earlier – Reiner had told him how apparently Jean had come across Marco's body, half eaten and forgotten in the street. Jean doesn't want to die like that. He doesn't want to die as a broken corpse, forgotten and barely recognizable. Eren's face softens a little.

And then Jean was coming towards him quickly. Eren backs up, expecting some sort of hit. He automatically clenches his hands into fist. He can see Mikasa stepping forward and Reiner standing up, anticipating a tiff. But instead, Jean just grips Eren's shoulders. He's holding on too tight, so tight that it almost hurts.

Eren can see the desperation in Jean's eyes, now mingled with the fear. "We're counting on you," the taller boy tells him. Eren can feel him shaking. His eyes widen again. He sees Reiner smile a little as he sits down. Looking back at Jean, Eren gulps. The fact that it's Jean giving him this…vote of confidence, so to speak, was incredibly strange. But he still meets Jean's gaze. He has the eyes of a broken soldier which, Eren supposes, is fair enough. He just recently lost his best friend and may very well be dead himself within twenty four hours.

Eren has never liked Jean very much, but he feels something for him stir. Pity, maybe. He nods, green eyes determined. "Yeah."

He isn't going to let anybody down this time.

* * *

A strange silence had fallen over the two of them. They sit alone in the dining hall, where Eren had been sitting with Levi just thirty minutes before. The Corporal and Erwin were talking to Mikasa and Armin privately, briefing them on their roles in the plan to capture the Female Titan. Jean had already been given his; he was going to pose as Eren so that the real Eren could slip away. Eren briefly wondered what would happen if he was found to be an imposter.

Neither of them say anything. Eren guesses that they're both too caught up in their own thoughts. Eren felt as if he's being put through a whirlwind of emotions; guilt, grief, confusion, guilt, hatred, guilt, anger, grief, guilt. Guilt and grief, needless to say, are threatening to consume him. If he had done something differently, would his squad be alive? And now on top of that, Armin was saying that Annie – _Annie_ – was the Female Titan. It couldn't be true, right?

Eren realizes that Jean is staring at him. He meets his eyes, cocking an eyebrow. Jean sighs, looking away. "I'm sorry about your squad," he says slowly. Eren can't remember the last time Jean said he was sorry. He laughs bitterly, feeling his chest tighten.

He remembers the Female Titan, the way she had tossed him around like a ragdoll, the way she had wiped soldiers out like they were nothing.

Jean laughs humorlessly. "She nearly had me," he says. "Annie. The Female Titan. Whatever." His voice is shaky. With anger or fear or both, Eren can't tell.

Eren looks over at Jean slowly, scowling. He hadn't even known that Jean had come into contact with _her_.

"If it wasn't for Armin, man, I wouldn't even fucking be here," Jean continues. "She would have swatted me like a fly and there wasn't even anything I could have done about it. I'd be fucking _dead_ if Armin hadn't distracted her."

Eren grits his teeth. Can't Jean tell that he didn't want to talk about the expedition? "How the hell did someone like _you_ survive, when the Special Operations squad was completely wiped out?" he snarls. He realizes that was a little harsh, but Eren's beyond caring.

Jean doesn't even flinch. Eren isn't too surprised though. He's more surprised when Jean doesn't throw an insult back at him, blaming him for the deaths of Levi's squad. Instead, Jean just laughs bitterly.

"I can't believe it either," he says, still not looking at Eren. Jean focuses on the wall in front of him, eyes never moving. "Someone like me was able to cling to his life, when people like them lost theirs. I guess I'm just good at that, clinging to life. Not that there's much to live for around here."

Eren slams his fist onto the table, the noise ringing out through the room. He's just so angry – all of his pent up emotions needing release. "Shut _up_, Jean!" he says, his voice rising. "Shut the hell up. All those people that died today? How many of them? They died for humanity. They died so that we could continue to fight against the titans. So don't you _dare_ say that there's not much to live for."

Eren's fuming, and he's not sure why. Jean just…gets under his skin. He doesn't understand how even after the expedition, even after Trost, even after losing Marco he can be like this. He doesn't understand how he can say that there's not much to live for when his best friend died for humanity. Eren feels his hands shaking in anger. And he's horrible to think of it, he hates himself for thinking something like this about one of his comrades, but he can't help it. He can't help thinking how much better it would have been if Jean had died instead of his squad. He feels guilty about it, but it's true. Jean still is looking at the stupid wall. "Look at me!" Eren hears himself yell.

Slowly, Jean turns his head, dragging his gaze to meet Eren's. He has that stupid smirk on his face, the one that Eren has always wanted to smack off of him. "Y'know, Eren," he says. "It's good to know that some things never change. No matter what happens, you'll still be spouting the same bullshit."

There's a silence between them again, this time they're glaring at each other. Neither of them turns away. "If you still think its bullshit, why are you here?" Eren asks, jaw set.

Jean holds his gaze. "It _is_ bullshit," he insists. "But even if it is…Marco died for humanity. It's the least I can do to honor that. Besides…I didn't want to join the Military Police knowing Marco wouldn't be there. How could I? How could I live like that, knowing he had died fighting?"

Jean's eyes are full of badly hidden sorrow and Eren…sympathizes. He knows what it's like to lose a loved one. Yet even so, Jean is still so hung up on losing Marco. Eren had always thought that he only thought of himself. But Jean had forsaken the Military Police, what he had been dreaming about for years. He joined the Scouting Legion – something he said on more than one occasion was suicide. He had even volunteered to pose as Eren for this mission. And while that isn't exactly the most dangerous role, if the Military Police catches him, who knew what would happen?

"Do you think Annie did it?" Jean says, finally dropping his gaze. "Do you think she killed him? She had his gear, after all…" Eren suddenly realizes why he volunteered – because he wanted to see Annie fall. Eren had been horrified to learn that Annie had Marco's gear – had that been enough to stir Jean into action?

Everything snaps into place, then. "You loved him," Eren says, his eyes widening.

Jean flinches, as if Eren had struck him.

"You loved him…and she…she killed him."

Eren has lost loved ones to the titans. He watched his mother being eaten, he watched his squad at Trost fall like flies. Just today, he saw his new squad slaughtered by the Female Titan. But he's never lost anybody he loved in _that_ way. His anger fizzles away, replaced by a newfound pity for the boy in front of him. No wonder he looked so…broken.

Jean says nothing to confirm or deny it, but by the way he closes his eyes and rests his forehead against his hand – well, that's answer enough for Eren. "It was after you had plugged the hole in the Wall…" he says, and Eren can hear the raw emotion in his voice. "We had survived the actual battle…and then we separated for the cleanup operation." Jean curses. "I shouldn't have – I shouldn't have left him, Eren. I should have stayed with him and-"

"Jean, if it was Annie who…did it, she would have just taken you down as well." Eren doesn't know what to say. He never liked Jean but then again, he had never seen him like this before.

"If it was Annie…at least Marco might have gotten away if I was there. It would have been better that way."

Eren looks down at his hands which are balled into fists. Jean had never said it but…his feelings for Marco were obvious now. This was Jean Kirschtein, for God's sake; selfish Jean who always put himself first, wishing that he had died instead of Marco.

Eren sighs. Despite still stewing in grief and guilt and anger because of his squad he feels so sorry for Jean. He knows the feeling of wishing he had died instead of someone else. He looks sadly back up at Jean. "I'm sorry," he says.

Jean stands up, opening his eyes. His hazel eyes are narrowed as he looks down at Eren. "I don't need your pity," he hisses, turning around and heading for the door. Eren watches him leave. He pauses in the doorway, and turns his head slightly.

"Good luck," he says. Eren's surprised. "Don't fuck this up. I'm counting on you."

* * *

Eren didn't notice it at the time. At the time, his thoughts had understandably been focused elsewhere. His body had been screaming in unbearable pain while he had felt his very mind would crack under the strain. He just couldn't cope with the fact that Annie was the Female Titan.

Of course, he hadn't noticed anything but the anguish of having to defeat one of his comrades – of his friends. But when he thought about it now, after the fight and destruction of Stohess, he realizes something.

Jean had cried in front of him.

A strangely insignificant detail that Eren should have just cast aside – there were bigger fish to fry. Yet still, he found himself thinking about it. He and Jean had never gotten on well. Their trainee days had consisted of yelling at each other and throwing punches because of their clashing ideals. But despite all of that, Eren doesn't ever remember seeing Jean cry.

He can remember it now. He remembers the crushing weight of the rubble around him, the screams and shouts of the civilians and the sound of the soldiers whizzing around on their 3DM gear. He can remember Jean yelling at him, demanding to know why they had put their faith in him. Well, Jean yelling at him was nothing new.

He remembers hearing a choked sob, he remembers hearing Jean say Marco's name. Guilt had risen up in his stomach – hadn't he said that he was counting on him?

Now Eren's in a clean bed, finishing the food Mikasa had brought him. Jean and Armin had just left for questioning. There are hundreds of thoughts flying through Eren's head; thoughts about titans and titan shifters and betrayals. But somehow, the thought of Jean crying works its way in front of the others and grabs his attention. Eren frowns deeply. It was clear that, one way or another, Jean blamed himself for Marco's death. But from what Mikasa and Armin had told him, there wasn't anything he could have done, right?

Also, he wishes their places had been swapped. Eren thinks back – has he seen Jean smile since Trost? That is, a genuine smile, not one of his smirks he uses when he's trying to rile Eren up. He doesn't think he has. _Huh_, Eren thinks. _Jean must not really like himself right now. _And while hopefully his arrogance will deflate a little, a Jean with low self-confidence who doesn't even like himself seems…wrong, almost.

Hanji thinks that there could be other shifters in the 104th Squad. Eren doesn't even want to consider that – but the fact is that the rest of their friends are somewhere far away. Jean's still here though. Eren has always been with Mikasa and Armin, but now, somehow, it's like Jean has wormed his way in too.

Mikasa takes his tray away, telling him to get some rest. There's a concerned expression in her eyes, and he nods, letting his head fall back into the pillows. He's still exhausted from transforming.

His eyes flutter close. He's going to be seeing a lot more of Jean over the next while, that much is certain. Eren thinks of him before he falls asleep.


End file.
